you would pick up someone in the library
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
