When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
