New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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