i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
