I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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