im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
