end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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