do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
