I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
