well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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