I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
