well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
