Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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