My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
