Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
