But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
