Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
