He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
