my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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