So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
