I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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