I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
