you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
