i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
