I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
