Apparently you make a good broom.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
