god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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