I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
