'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She bit a glass in half.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
