imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i out mim tonsoeep
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