It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
