i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
