i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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