If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
