dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
