new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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