I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Randomize
