I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
