I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The Olympian is in my bed
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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