Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
