"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
