i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
