when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
you had me at cake vodka
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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