I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
