my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
MIDGETS
????
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
