If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
