Just fell off a train. Bad.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You can't just leave with hair like that
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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