it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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