I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
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