It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
